Our (very old) church building has a belfry that until recently was home to quite a few pigeons and bats. The problem with their using the belfry as an apartment complex was that their waste was piling up and rotting out the floor. Some brave members cleaned out the “guano” -a dozen or so black garbage bags full- and started repairing the belfry, screening it off so the pigeons could no longer get in. Unfortunately, a small group of stubborn pigeons staged a protest and refused to leave, making it necessary for us to rescue them before they died of starvation. After a few members attempted this humanitarian mission, our pastor found the following memo on the desk in his office. I should mention that “Private Thompson” just graduated from Wellesley College with a degree in Linguistics. Hope she doesn’t mind my publishing this. 
“REPORT
The 1st stage of Operation Liberation Pigeon was commenced this day, Monday July 24th 2006 @ precisely 7:47 pm. At great personal peril to those involved, 3 forays were made up the bell-tower into no-man’s land:
The 1st, to assess the lay of the land and to announce imminent relief to the sufferers. During this foray, pigeons A through D were identified: Pigeons A & B as alive and unexpectedly frisky, and pigeons C & D as most regrettably perished.
The 2nd, to escort pigeons A & B to freedom and pigeons C & D to their final resting place. During this foray it was determined that pigeon A was extremely adverse to friendly overtures, that pigeon B was rescued just in time on the verge of collapse, and that there was in fact a pigeon E, alike to pigeon A in disposition and negative outlook. Pigeon B was carried to the woodpile, kissed and supplied with water and one stale tortilla, which is hoped to restore him to health. Pigeons C & D were respectfully covered, carried out and memorialized in a short service, complete with taps and a moment of silence.
The 3rd, to carry sustenance to obstinate pigeons A & E, who prefer no man’s land to freedom. Private Schoeffler’s recommendation that they be left to starve or quieted with a tennis racquet was ignored, and pigeons A & E were left in peace to nurse a bowl of water, their own stale tortilla and their private grudge against mankind.
Stage 2 shall be attempted on Wed July 26, 2006 to complete the rescue of pigeons A & E. It remains only to mention that Privates Shoeffler and Slotemaker acquitted themselves with great personal bravery and aplomb in overcoming a dislike of dead birds and heights.
(Signed) Private Thompson”
